I wrote this review a long time ago at a desk far far away when the movie was still in theaters. It was the first ever movie review and I edited it just a little to try and keep most of it’s original content. Below you’ll find my first ever review. Number 0001!
The movie was so bad that it sparked this entire project.
Originally written on December 17, 2017
Contains Spoilers (Well maybe not anymore…)
I watched the new Star Wars today. I’m not impressed at all. I honestly sat there bored as hell. I got more of a thrill from the ‘Ready Player One’ trailer. I grew up watching Episodes 4, 5, and 6 on VHS and I still have them. But I’m not here to compare them but there was a lot of symbolism and hints towards the originals.
Now the acting wasn’t bad and the visuals were great but it just didn’t deliver. I really wanted evil to triumph this time. I feel if evil triumphed then the next episode would really give a sense of heroic pride when the Rebels really squash the First Order. I really hoped General Organa was going to die but she managed to develop force powers. She never had those, nobody can survive being blasted out into the vacuum of space… I got no feeling of utmost defeat from the rebels, no tension, I didn’t feel sad as they got picked off in their shuttles (the only time a Star Destroyer cannon hit its target). You just knew the Rebels would be a step ahead of the First Order. When they even say nobody is coming to the rescue at the end you knew they would survive and slip away. You just knew Rey would come and save the day as usual after learning to be a Jedi after what, two small lessons to lift rocks. You don’t learn a damn thing about the Supreme Leader except he is a creepy old man who gets cut in half. If he is so powerful and can see into Kylo’s mind he would have seen his death coming. Kylo is defeated again and I was rooting for him. Even the scene where Luke gets blasted by a fleet of AT-ATs you just knew he’d still be standing, even before it is revealed his physical self isn’t there. I wasn’t on the edge of my seat waiting to see what was next like Episode 7. It was more of “okay just get on with it already”. I thought Finn was going to have his big moment and sacrifice himself and become a reason for the Rebels to fight harder. I was like he’s going to die and save the day, nope, saved by Rose, and that scene would have created more of a cause if she died after the collision, but she didn’t. I couldn’t relate to any part of the movie.
Overall it was mediocre. Good triumphs over evil, again and again. Episode 9 better blow to doors off this one, and I don’t just mean with a well-placed thermal detonator.
I would rate the move Three Stars, one star because it is Star Wars and two more because Star Wars.